Conflicted

Sometimes the only word that describes how I feel is “conflicted.”  I know a lot of people must feel this way too at different times in their lives.  Riding out the storm of emotions is, to say the least, interesting.  There is this convergence of events – some recent, some not so recent – that is sometimes making me feel like I don’t know which end is up.

When my ex moved out of state, I admit I was a little sad.  It wasn’t like I saw him all that often, and it wasn’t as if we were close friends after our divorce.  But our son connects us, and before Josh went to college there were still conversations and decisions that had to be made.  When Ken left, it felt like there was a void.  And I couldn’t really make sense of why I felt that way.

While cleaning out some old files the other day, I found a couple of letters Ken had given me shortly after we separated.  I read them and the flood of memories reminded me why we broke up in the first place.  All of the resentment and bad feelings reared up, and I suddenly I realized it wasn’t his leaving town that made me sad.  It was simply that the people I had moved to Maryland with were both in different states now.  The Chicago transplants were now one instead of three.  I believe I’ve said this before but now I see it in a slightly different light.

Also, all of the **** I went through with the sociopath hangs over my head.  He was released from prison last year and I’ve been looking over my shoulder ever since.  He contacted me once after he got out, and I didn’t respond.  But the feeling that he’s lurking around some corner won’t go away.  There’s a chance he’ll go back to prison if he doesn’t pay the restitution he owes to a bunch of people, and nothing would make me feel safer than knowing he was back behind bars.  Sad to admit I feel this way, but I do.

I could rant about a couple of other things that are going on right now, but it’s not the proper venue for that.

Look – I’m not a perfect person.  I made mistakes in judgment before.  However, I don’t want to be held down by the past (mine or anyone else’s), regardless of how long ago or how recently something happened.  I don’t want to have to second-guess whether I’ve made the right decision.  Decisions can be difficult sometimes, but sometimes they have to be made anyway.  There is too much in life that still needs to be accomplished.

My advice to whomever wants to take it:  be trustworthy; have integrity; be honest with yourself and with others; realize that it’s okay to make a tough decision; and if you don’t like where you are in life, do your best to do something about it.  There are no easy answers, but by tackling the issues head-on you just might emerge a better person for it.

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