What I Want

Have you ever found yourself assaulted by a random thought about someone you knew years ago? It’s like, once that thought grabs you, it won’t let go until you force yourself to let it go. Or, if you’re like many people, the thought sticks with you until your attention is focused randomly elsewhere. Who knew that a phone ringing with an unsolicited telemarketing call could be a blessing a disguise?

Once in a while, a great while, my mind suddenly wanders away from the present to a time when I was (not literally) someone else.   There was a time many years ago when I jumped into the pool of unknowing, taking a chance that somehow, someway, I would find that one person I was supposed to be with. Ultimately, through many encounters and many mind-blowing missteps, I find myself here, in today, still wondering if that one person exists. I’m getting too old to keep pursuing the thought that magic exists and works in my favor. It does not on so many levels!

After all that happened in 2016 with both of my parents passing away, Ma in March and Dad in September, I find myself feeling horribly guilty for moving from Illinois to Maryland, missing time with them year after year after year, and yet knowing that moving was probably one of the smartest decisions I ever made in my life. When I go back to the Chicago area now, I wonder if I could ever return. I have gotten so use to the area in Maryland where I live, where there is fresh air (except when local farmers are fertilizing), where there is space (at least for the immediate future), and where I feel at home near the mountains.

Conflict. I feel it every minute of every day.

I want to be successful in my career even though it veered off what I thought was the right course. I want to be successful in my family life, being there for my son, my sister, and the rest of my family, knowing that it’s very difficult when my son is in Georgia and the rest of family is in Illinois. I am here in Maryland, family at least eleven hours away, but with them in every non-physical way possible. What else do I want? To someday achieve all of the things that will make me feel I lived life to the fullest extent I could – definition of that still under development.

When MySpace was the thing, I used to post a blog almost every Sunday. Now, MySpace is my space for posting the songs I write (https://myspace.com/kathy.booker/music/songs). Though they are few and far between. But the idea of writing at least once a week is a turn-on for me. I love to write, and with 2016 being over and me trying to focus on things that will make me feel more complete, I’m hoping I can create a schedule for me to do the things I like/love to do.

I hope everyone reading this (knowing it’s really maybe one, two, a few people) finds what makes them feel complete – no matter how long it takes. Just remember that life may be shorter than you expect it to be (as I experienced with my parents) and that you need to start focusing on your future TODAY. Pax!